Hating myself and food very much right now.
Breakfast has been this good lately. I’ve been bad with updates. Egg and smoked Gouda on a whole wheat english muffin, organic oranges and Earl grey.
![prettyfoods:
thedailywhat:
Thing On A Stick of the Day: Taking a page (somewhat literally) from Angie “Bakerella” Dudley’s new cookbook Cake Pops, Brooke @ The Family Kitchen whipped up a delicious batch of homemade cherry poptarts on a stick.
The How-To is here in case you felt like making me some.
[craft.]
Yes I will please thank you](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l84jkojN791qzpwi0o1_250.jpg)
Thing On A Stick of the Day: Taking a page (somewhat literally) from Angie “Bakerella” Dudley’s new cookbook Cake Pops, Brooke @ The Family Kitchen whipped up a delicious batch of homemade cherry poptarts on a stick.
The How-To is here in case you felt like making me some.
[craft.]
Yes I will please thank you
Breakfast : 1 Bowl of organic Toasty O’s with unsweetened Almond Milk. 1 Cup of Jasmine Earl grey.
Snack : Just Green Honest Tea and 1 organic orange.
Lunch : 3 pieces of Fennel and seed crackers with munster cheese and roasted red pepper veggies.
Dinner : Spinach mushroom and veggie wraps with salsa. Kale and Caprice salad. Two slices of dried apples for desert.
———
A year ago was a really strange time for me. I believe graduating and moving home really threw me for a loop. I ended a relationship and needed something to focus on but I think the problem was there even before that. I went to my boyfriends house for christmas, that night when his mom posted pictures, I was horrified. I swore up and down to myself that I would NEVER get the freshman 15, much less the 5 years in college 10 to 20. In the pictures sat a 155lb girl going way too close to 160 and never even noticing it.
Mind you I am 5’10 and a half ;] but I had never been so big in my life and I had also never been so uncomfortable. Apparently the average weight for a woman in the US is 160 now, and I find this very easy to believe, no I wasn’t obese or really “Fat” but I didn’t feel right in my skin and the lifestyle I had tried so hard for, just wasn’t working. Sure, drinking every night didn’t help, nor did thinking that if I ate fast food, Sonic 6 times a week was “better than McDonalds.” Sure I was making conscious choices, just not really the right ones.
After I saw those pictures things just kinda clicked. For lent I gave up beer and candy. 40 days of fasting from something I loved and something I just didn’t need. I noticed after those 40 days I was becoming pickier, more aware of what I was eating and drinking. Even if I was just replacing Beer with Jack Daniels and Diet coke, they were drastic changes for my body, at least in the caloric sense. I ate less at meals, didn’t put everything on my plate and if I was eating out I kept it simple, grilled chicken was safe as well as salads and other un-fried items. The biggest obstacle for me was coming home after a night and a few drinks and NOT raiding the kitchen for junk food just to settle my stomach. I didn’t really eat these bad things before, but I would eat the entire grilled chicken breast AND the side salad, the rolls that came before then wash it down with a pint or two. Then at night when I was 4 sheets to the wind I would scavenge for frozen pizzas and things I would never eat if I were sober. When the 40 days were over I had one beer, but kept with my liquor diet when I did drink and remained picky.
By April and may things had really paid off, I was down to 140 and I felt so much better, in my skin and in my clothes, just…better. I’ve never had an “eating problem” per say but every bite of food I do or don’t eat is in my brain, it eats at me. I think about it, I dwell on it I downright obsess on it. I used to INSIST on eating 3 meals a day, all large and eventfull, I would think about when my next meal was going to take place, how I was going to make time for it and even what I would not be eating. Around May I just stopped caring. I didn’t think about food, if I forgot a meal, no biggie, I ate when I felt hungry and lived by driving to the grocery store to get just what I needed for that particular meal. I kept almost NO food in the house with the exception of Oranges and Goldfish and drank tea constantly. Now I’m not saying this was healthy at all, I was going through a breakup and was just looking for things to distract me, I would go work out at the gym for hours, eat a hand full of goldfish and just be on my way.
When I weighed myself in June/July I was at 132 , the thinnest I have been since probably middle school and frankly, the happiest. Clothes fit, I didn’t suck in my stomach anymore or press my wrist and elbow to my hip bones to make sure I hadn’t grown any since the last time I checked. I didn’t change 20 times because my stomach pouched out just a little in a tight shirt and I just walked/lounged/jumped around the beach with my swimsuit completely confident and carefree. I spent the month before I moved into my apartment just putting on old clothes, I was so excited that all this stuff fit and felt amazing.
Skipping to now, 135, i’ve mostly maintained my weight but I feel like everything has changed. I have started thinking again, a million times a day I am thinking about food, how many calories, where it came from, what is in it, ect. I keep wanting to get into some sort of nutrition field so maybe I can understand my obsession a little more. I work out every few days but I want to go more. I want to feel good in my clothes again, not suck it in, not constantly check my stomach just because I feel like it’s protruding constantly. I want to just NOT think and eat just the half of sandwich instead of the whole, or say no to that glass of beer even though I REALLY want it. I want to be once again comfortable with myself and my skin.
Sorry for the rant. More later I guess. I just needed to get all of this out, it eats at me and I hate myself for it but my it’s my brain and bad habits are so hard to break.
Showing the Admiral what I was making for dinner. He kept squinting because it was full of Cayenne, chili and red pepper.
Baked potatoes are my favorite thing right now but I only eat them every once in a while…it’s like corn, it’s good but there are healthier things I could be eating. I added the veggies to make myself feel better. haha.
Day 21.
Breakfast : 2% Fage greek yogurt w/peaches. 1/4 bowl of organic Toasty O’s. 1 tasty cup of Jasmine Earl Grey.
Lunch : Sprouted Grain Tortilla wrap with Spinach, Basil and Sun-dried tomato hummus and melted mozzarella. Chips and Salsa on the side.
Dinner : Spicy grilled Potato and Veggies. Honest Tea Just Green Tea.
Exercise : No gym today, instead I cleaned the whole house, hung a bunch of paint chip wall art, (how I was sweating after this made me a little disappointed, it’s only been a week since I was at the gym…)hung up 10 lbs of clothes, ran around town doing work stuff and walked around Target, Michaels and Hobby Lobby for 2 hours bargain shopping and pricing for upcoming commissions.
I give today 2 1/2 stars. I feel like I got a lot done, but walking around Target made me want : Goldfish, cheap wine, and energy drinks. I resisted though. On the good side, I came home and worked on some dummy books for upcoming projects. OH and I got shoes. Not the ones above, just black one’s for work, my old ones are almost grey and falling apart, the studio eats shoes, I’ve been through almost 10 pairs since I started. I took a picture of the shoes because I really want these shoes. Sure 30 bucks isn’t a lot for shoes, but for some reason I just couldn’t fathom spending the 30 bucks…maybe because that’s what I spent on food yesterday at the market and it’s going to feed me for the rest of the week. Just putting things in perspective I suppose.
I haven’t fooded it up lately, things have been busy and I have been trying to keep up with my photography more than anything. After this weekend I need a good kickstart. For the last 2 years I have been giving up beer during lent but I have never completely given up alcohol. I wouldn’t call myself an alcoholic but I do have the tendency to drink frequently and during the weekends it’s just what we country folk do.
So, for the next 21 days I am giving up 2 things.
Alochol.
Fast food.
It will probably be hard, wine with dinner is a staple and going to the Drafthouse just won’t be the same without our pitcher of 512 Wit (which if you live in Austin I HIGHLY recommend trying).
I have also set a few rules for myself based on my last summer’s -15 lb success.
1) All meals during the day must be prepared by me.
2) I am allowed one meal outside the house a week. Not including fast food, but if it’s a sit down place thats ok.
3) No booze whatsoever, no wine, no beer, no liquor until the day I set foot in California. (thats where I am getting the 21 days from).
4) I must go to the gym at LEAST 3 days a week.
5) I will update here every day, meals etc.
As of now, food tumblr is officially back in business. (I hope)…it’s about time I stuck to something, even if it’s only for 21 days.
After the 21 days are over, hopefully I won’t completely give things up. I always feel great after doing something like this but then life takes hold so…wish me luck.
